On Saturday just gone, I received a call from an acquaintance which I let go to voicemail. When I did listen to the message some hours later, I learned this acquaintance was in my area and that he could pop by if convenient for me and cut my passionfruit vine that was going crazy (I had mentioned it to him in passing last week).
I didn’t respond and haven’t responded which is very rude, I totally admit. I intend to today. However, given it wasn’t the first time I’ve done something like that – resisted communicating with or seeing people on the weekend – I got to pondering: am I a recluse?
As you do, I went sniffing around the internet for insight.
Of course, you land on the usual alarming sites indicating you have a disorder or PTSD, just because you choose to be alone (*yawn*). Delving further however I found myself nodding while reading other articles and thinking “Exactly!” Below are my now formulated reasons why I choose to “sequester” myself (love that word, makes me think of nuns and that old movie “A Nun’s Story” with Audrey Hepburn… must watch that again one day! – yeah that’s me, a nun *cough* ).
I choose to sequester myself because:
- As I’ve said frequently in this blog, I almost desperately need the break from work; oddly, I do love practising the law, and I love being my own boss. However, it is so mentally consuming and exhausting, not to mention at times stressful and annoying, that frankly I sometimes think if I didn’t cut myself off completely in the evenings and weekends and just immerse myself in home life, I would go quietly crazy. Being alone gives me the opportunity to recharge, to get in touch with my own thoughts, emotions and needs, rather than becoming consumed by others’ ;
- An extension of the above is the fact that I actually love my home and home life. I love everything I have chosen to feature in this blog – caring for and hanging out with the animals and my kids, gardening, reading, playing my piano, doing craft stuff/making things. They make me happy and restore the equilibrium. If I had a choice of doing any of these things or being with people, I would not choose the latter. There are some exceptions – immediate family mainly. As unfortunate as it may sound, I would not even choose to spend time with BFF over any of my “home activities”. I used to, but in recent years his relationship with Dean has become a bit alarming and unsavoury.
- I CHOOSE to be alone. Being alone doesn’t scare me or make me feel unfulfilled. I’m single, but I don’t participate in the dating scene, online or otherwise. Face it, it’s easy these days to hook up with someone. Sign up to Tinder or whatever, and you can probably “score” very quickly (so I’ve heard). Simply, however, I don’t want or feel the need to be part of that. I actually feel kind of sorry for people who on first sniff of being single, they’re signing up to online dating sites. For me, choosing to be alone means choosing self-respect, independence, and choosing to rely on my own resources rather than someone else for strength and security and any other needs. It confounds me why some would forsake that, in preference to participating in that online dating “meat market” scene. I suppose to be fair, maybe it takes a taste of all the wonderful things that come with being alone, to actually want to seek it out. The unknown is scary. Well, I’m here to tell anyone – I’m living proof you can be happy with the choice and there’s nothing scary about it at all.
Do I miss the company of others? After all, human beings are social animals. I admit, sometimes I will be in a social situation and I thoroughly enjoy it. I enjoy meeting new people. Sometimes at work, I will meet ten new people a day and not once have I dreaded it or felt uncomfortable. There’s a kind of high that comes with it. All the same though, gone is that inner stillness, and Eckhart Tolle put it perfectly as to what happens as a result of that:
I don’t want to be lost in this world.
As for my passionfruit vine, I cut it back myself yesterday. That’s what it’s all about.